wakey wakey hands off snakey
I faked an abortion last night.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
