I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Michael Bay diarrhea
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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