Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
