John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting