so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
As shirtless as possible
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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