it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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