Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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