I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
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How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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