can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
