I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
