i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
