I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize