saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
