Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
whose ass print is on the piano?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
