My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
