I didn't shave. On purpose
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
