I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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