Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
