Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You're like the curious george of whores
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
