i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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