Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
