She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
