Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
