finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
