Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
