Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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