I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
