I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
