Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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