Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
