why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
