Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
