My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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