life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
