I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
