So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
