I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
