Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
