$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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