I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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