some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize