Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
