You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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