there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She made me pour olive oil on her.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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