Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
