So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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