TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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