remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
