seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
