i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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