it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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