to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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