just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
