Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
